Meeting a pen pal: Pope Francis

This story began in early 2021, when Frank DeBernardo, the executive director of New Ways Ministry, wrote to Pope Francis, describing the ministry Fr. Robert Nugent and I began in the early 1970s on behalf of LGBTQ+ people. Frank’s letter described the condemnation we received from the Vatican in 1999 and asked the Pope to “lift the shad- ow that Sister Jeannine Gramick and New Ways Ministry have lived under for many decades.” Responding from his shepherd’s heart, Pope Francis wrote, “I remain at your disposal.” Thus began my pen-pal relationship with Pope Francis.

Buffy Boesen, our Loretto treasurer, had a role to play in this story. Sometime this year, Buffy suggested, “Use some of the money in the Sr. Jeannine Gramick LGBTQ+ Ministry Fund and go see the pope!” At the time, I merely smiled, but the idea had been planted.

In September I wrote to Pope Francis, asking if I could visit him in Rome during the synod and bring three New Ways Ministry staff members with me. “Your letter made me very happy. I will gladly meet you,” he replied.

On October 17, Frank DeBernardo, Bob Shine, Matt Myers and I arrived at Casa Santa Marta; we were ushered into a small reception room. I hugged Pope Francis and told him how happy I was to meet my pen pal. We spoke about the work that so many U.S. Catholics are doing to advance LGBTQ+ ministry in the Church.

I thanked him for welcoming transgender people who live in Rome to come to the Vatican and for publicly condemning LGBTQ+ criminalization laws. He noted that many LGBTQ+ people around the world are put to death and that the Church in those countries is not speaking out against this atrocity. I also thanked him for his openness to blessing same-gender unions.

When Pope Francis asked about my story, I told him that I met a gay man that led to a subsequent assignment for more than 20 years by the School Sisters of Notre Dame to pastoral ministry for LGBTQ+ people. I admitted that the Vatican’s disapproval was a very difficult time in my life, but that during those dark years, I received support from hundreds of U.S. women religious. My transfer to the Sisters of Loretto was nourishing and life-giving and felt like coming home. Pope Francis listened very attentively, saying that we must never give up hope and quoted St. Paul, “Hope does not disap- point” (Romans 5:5).

Meeting Pope Francis was one of the clearest signs to me that hope does not disappoint. Since I was a child, I have been waiting, praying and hoping that God would send our church a leader like him. I have loved Pope Francis since he was elected in 2013. We are so blessed to have a pastor and a man of prayer who truly walks in the shoes of the fisherman to lead our Church.

I saw firsthand many of the qualities that I observed from afar in the past 10 years of his papacy. I sensed his humility on the day he was elected when he asked the crowd in St. Peter’s Square to bless him. He knew the power of the church is in its people, not in its hierarchy or institutions. I perceived his humility when he was asked to describe himself in the first interview he gave as pope; his answer: “I am a sinner.” And I saw that humility in our meeting when, instead of giving a homily or speaking much, he mainly wanted to listen, to hear about the work of LGBTQ+ ministry and the opposition that we all sometimes face.

Our meeting also confirmed for me that Pope Francis is a person of deep prayer. Several times he asked for prayers, an admission of his vulnerability and of his need for support and guidance. Prayer for him is not a somber and serious activity, but a time for joy and laughter.

He encouraged us to maintain a sense of humor in everything we do. When I told him that I thought he was the face of a lov- ing God to so many people, he joked back, “God’s face is not this unattractive!” (The literal translation of the Italian word
he used is “ugly”!)

Pope Francis asked us if we knew a prayer on humor at- tributed to St. Thomas More which, he said, he prays every day. When we said we didn’t know the prayer, he gave each of us a copy of his Apostolic Exhor- tation, “Gaudete et Exsultate,” on the “Call to Holiness in Today’s World,” which contains the prayer. I now pray it daily. Below is the prayer of St. Thomas More on humor.

Grant me, O Lord, good digestion, and also something to digest.
Grant me a healthy body, and the necessary good humor to maintain it.
Grant me a simple soul that knows to treasure all that is good, and that doesn’t frighten easily at the sight of evil, but rather finds the means to put things back in their place.
Give me a soul that knows not boredom, grumblings, sighs and laments, nor excess of stress, because of that obstructing thing called “I.”
Grant me, O Lord, a sense of good humor.
Allow me the grace to be able to take a joke, to discover in life a bit of joy and to be able to share it with others.

Pope Francis also gave me a rosary with beautiful pearl beads and a gold medallion of the Virgin and Child. He has a special devotion to Our Lady and always ends his notes to me by praying that the Holy Virgin will take care of me. When we posed for a photo with him, he wanted it to be in front of a painting of Our Lady, Undoer of Knots, a favorite devotion of his.

I gave him a copy of “A Home for All: A Catholic Call for LGBTQ+ Non-Discrimination” by Frank DeBernardo and Bob Shine. I also gave him a copy of Frank’s new book, “New Ways and Next Steps: Developing Catholic LGBTQ+ Ministry.” We presented him with two ornaments made by Mary DeBernardo, Frank’s sister. Each is a plush, round Christmas ball. One has the New Ways Ministry logo embroidered on it; the other, a rainbow cross. I told him to put them on his Christmas tree; he just smiled and nodded.

It’s obvious that Pope Francis is concerned about LGBTQ+ people. His concern springs from a firm belief that God loves ALL people — everyone, no exceptions. He believes that no one should be turned away from the Church. I saw this concern during our meeting when he said that he is upset by priests who chastise people during the Sacrament of Reconciliation. That time should be a time of welcome and embrace, not punishment, he said. That is why the image on his papal cross is of a shepherd carrying a lost sheep on his shoulders.

In that meeting with Pope Francis were countless LGBTQ+ people, their parents, family members, pastoral ministers, friends and supporters who have worked tirelessly for LGBTQ+ equality for so long. Meeting Pope Francis symbolized a dialogue between LGBTQ+ people and the highest leaders of the Catholic Church. Pope Francis has inaugurated this dialogue. It’s now up to all of us to continue pursuing and engaging in that dialogue in whatever way we can — and especially, as Pope Francis shows us, through hope, humor and prayer.